Artist: Bright Eyes
Track: Ladder Song
Album: The People’s Key
Feelings from March and April of this year have come rushing back, and I cannot help sitting in my room. Shaking. Consumed by loneliness. Engulfed by the feeling that I will forever be a third wheel to everyone. I felt valuable once, and I still do, it’s just not worth much right now. Not worth much…
I spent roughly 20 minutes scrolling the web for quotes, passages… lyrics about loneliness. Something that described my feelings precisely. Found nothing so I guess it best to be blunt about it:
I’m lonely. Feel incredibly lonely. This entire year. My job. At home. On the phone. In person with people. Lonely. I’m not sure what’s up. I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve been trying to wait it out but for every step I believe I’ve taken forward, I slide two back. All of it… it’s an impossible feeling.
Artist: Olafur Arnalds
Track: Lynn’s Theme
Album: Another Happy Day
I was on the train after work, Friday. The uptown M heading into Long Island City to grab drinks with a friend. Relatively quiet per usual. Essex Street. A young guy, quite disheveled, gets on carrying what looks to be a large case. It’s a keyboard. Pretty beaten up. The batteries being held in by strips of packing tape. He places it on the floor and begins to play. Staring at his fingers the entire time, nearly 5 minutes. Not looking up once. Plays a number that would sound at home in some old-time Western saloon. Such precision. Everyone’s looking. He finishes and the train is silent for a moment. People resume prior conversations. The keyboard player begins his walk up the aisle of the train, instrument by his side. His free hand clutching a smallish, rusty kettle for donations. He makes no announcement. Just walks. I give him two dollars, and as he thanks me, our eyes meet. I can’t recall their color. Blue or green, perhaps, but I do recall the bit of vacancy behind them. He smiles, and there is life within, but his face… his body. They have obvious wear… have taken tolls. His constant sniffing and bloodshot eyes. He nods again to thank me and leans against the railing at the end of the car. We come to a stop at West 4th and he exits, looking back at me once more and saying thank you. The doors close and I assume we will never see each other again. I’ll never have a chance to hear his tune once more. I made my way to Long Island City for drinks, and then to Greenpoint… the entire time wondering if the young man from the train needed saving and if given the opportunity, could I do it.
I woke up this morning a little out of it. Eyes swollen. Sinuses a bit swollen. Tired. Always tired. I stayed home. I had errands to run and really was in need of an easy day. I woke at around 7:30am this morning and shot an email to Nick and Alix calling out. I waited for the rain to temper off some and did my laundry. I went into Manhattan and returned some clothes to Uniqlo and grabbed a cupcake at Sugar Sweet Sunshine. I’m sitting in a coffee shop now, Sweetleaf in Williamsburg, I wish this could be my day always. Running errands when needed. Working in a coffee shop during the day. Making my own schedule around doing things I love. Not sure if that’s possible for me…
I spent the weekend hanging out with Jessica and Franc. It was somewhat relaxing for the most part, but I keep forgetting how superficial the two of them are when together. They spend a lot of time focusing on looks. Passing judgment on people they don’t find attractive. Talking about how much they want to be dating… sleeping with hot people. That’s what it always seems to boil down to with them. A person’s personality is important but it’s a distant second most of the time. It makes me uncomfortable… the amount of time they spend judging people… focusing on looks. It just makes me wonder about the things they say about me when I’m not around. It’s me just being paranoid, I know, but it makes me uneasy. Being in the apartment in general makes me uneasy. It’s not the two of them. It’s more than that. It’s the area. It’s the way it makes me feel. I feel nothing here. Uninspired. Lack of motivation. Lack of intrigue. Everything is so stagnant and I find myself desperately seeking outside stimulus. It’s been the reason why it’s been so difficult for me to free myself from the angst and stress lately. After a hard day or whenever I just need to take a breath and relax, I don’t have a place comfortable enough to unwind. I want to be able to get off my train and feel the need to slow my step on the walk home. Look and around and feel comfortable with my surroundings and inspired. I want to be able to go through my front door and not only have a decent looking place, but to feel the stress from the day melt away. Not compound.
I spent part of my Sunday wondering through a furniture store in Williamsburg, From The Source. It’s full of things carved from wood and is far beyond my price range. Thirty minutes I spent touching surfaces… imagining I had a large loft space I could fill with unique pieces. Exposed brick and pipes alongside tables, desks and chairs carved from oak and pine. Playing pretend. There were a few people who were actually shopping and I couldn’t help but wonder what they did for a living. I wanted to stop and ask each one of them how they came to be in a position that allowed them to afford such things comfortably. It wasn’t so much about the money they made… that wasn’t what interested me. I assumed their salary… ability to spend on such things came from having a job that paid nicely… one that comes from working your way up through the ranks. That’s what interested me most… how were they able to work their way up through the job hierarchy. My job , it’s a dead end. I love what I do (for the most part) but there is no movement. I’m going to be doing the same thing as long as I am there w/ slight pay increases every year. The sense of accomplishment and level of responsibility… it will not change and I know sooner or later, I will grow bored by it. I need to hunt down a new job with mobility. A career somewhere that fosters personal growth and exploration. But before I even do that, I need to hunt down the motivation and willpower to actually make change… to develop a plan, process, and timeline. I’ve grown so lethargic with these types of things lately . I just can’t find much reason in believing that hopes can be brought into reality.
Artist: The Majestic Twelve
It’s 10:15PM and someone is yelling profanities outside of my window. My neighborhood never sleeps. It’s never calm here. There are moments where all seems a bit calm, but it’s never relaxing. Never comfortable. This isn’t a place to come home to and wind down after a long day of work. It’s a bit unsettling, but it’s good to know that this isn’t permanent. I don’t have to live here forever.
I stayed home from work today. Wasn’t feeling well. My roommate, Franc, is visiting family and friends in Spain. Jessica… she stayed at a boy’s place last night. I had the apartment to myself for 24 hours. It was a good feeling. The quiet. Being able to walk around in my underwear and just feel at peace. Feel still.
Things haven’t been so great. I’ve been pretty down lately, but it’s getting better. Slowly but surely. I’ve been trying to piece myself back together. It’s difficult and although I don’t care to admit it, I’m fighting my way through a depression of sorts. It’s been ruining my friendships… my relationships in general. I’ve pulled away from almost everyone I know. I don’t talk as much and I’m not nearly as outgoing. I find myself canceling plans just to feel alone. Not going to events I’d enjoy because I really don’t see the point in it. Losing sleep by staying up late thinking about all the things that make me feel like shit. I’ve become better over these past two weeks, but there’s still a ways to go. I find myself settling into sadness too easily and it’s hard to avoid, but I manage most of the time. I’ve rebuilt some of the confidence I’ve lost over these past 3 months, but I still feel a bit weak. Vulnerable. Left behind. I’m not quite sure how things got this way or even if they could have been prevented, but somehow, I have convinced myself to hold onto this idea… this idea that all that is not well can and will be fixed. I’m not entirely sure if it’s true, but it’s been enough to keep me going.
Sooo I finally decided to do the whole Pinterest thing. It’s a bit sparse, but feel free to follow and let me know about your Pinterest. I’m still trying to figure this out.